"But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart." Luke 2:19
I haven't been able to get these words out of my mind for the past couple of weeks. I have the slightest notion of what Mary must have felt. To have found herself in the middle of the vortex of God's plan, watching unbelievable events unfold before her eyes. How could she not treasure them all up, waiting for the moments when sitting down and marveling at them was available?
That's what these past several months have been for me. A vortex.
...and now the time for pondering.
The year of 2011 has been a year of transitions. So unlike what I expected and far more than I could have asked for. This year I have experienced the gamut of ups and downs and have pressed into the Lord unlike any other.
In January, I began my third and final practicum, as well as my final semester in DBU's graduate counseling program. I had been running the same loop for 3 years, and at last the final stretch was in sight. I can remember many moments of expectation, sprinkled with fear. And as I walked through the traps of fear with others that the Lord brought me, I was awakened to fear's presence in my own life, to its ever loosening hold on me. I saw my whole life spread before me, along with the sight of this miracle--His steady hammering away at fear in me.
I read myself in the pages of Hinds Feet on High Places and knew that, just like Much Afraid, Jesus took me on this journey out of the Valley of Despair through the Desert, the Shores of Loneliness, the Precipice Injury, the Forests of Danger and Tribulation, and the Floods...that He laid me on the altar and brought me to the end of myself (and will forevermore). Out of the ashes of Much Afraid, He gave me a new name--Grace and Glory--and gave me hinds' feet, so I can walk with Him upon the high places (Habakkuk 3:19).
The Lord gave me such joy in my counseling practicum, as He let me witness miracles of His grace rain down on people. He gave me such joy and fulfillment in dancing for Him with Epiphany, fulfilling a promise He gave me years ago when I was a freshman in college that I would "use dance for ministry", when I had turned my back on dancing, thinking dance was as finished with me, as I was with dance. But no...He had plans. He has plans.
On the other side of the high places, He called me to return to the valley--this time, as Grace and Glory.
...and thus, the journey of this past year.
I wanted to stay and delight in the high places with Him. But He knew better. Even this has been part of His plan in changing my name and my identity. This past summer was dry and difficult, as I experienced various forms of disappointment and loneliness that I had not faced at such a depth in a long time--searching for a job, lacking community. He stripped me bare of anything that I depended on other than Him. Also, in my lack and need, He led me to opportunities and relationships that I cherish. Nuggets of pure gold in my life. Out of the ashes, beauty.
I have a feeling that this next year is going to be unparalleled. I'm learning to ask, seek, and knock with expectancy. God is calling me deeper, to cast aside the sin that so easily entangles, to run the race with abandon. Here's some of the things He's laying on my heart for this year:
1) Prayer will become more like breathing this year, as I'm realizing more of my need and desire to commune with Jesus. My prayers will be bolder and more persistent. And I will listen more.
2) Wisdom is something that I am longing for. I need so much more of it than I have. God is asking me to do things that are beyond my ability, to walk in places that are unknown to me--so this is one of the gifts I'm asking for with increasing fervor and expectancy.
3) My family--I have such a heart to see all of my family know Jesus and experience freedom, joy, and life. I have seen such beauty as God has saved and redeemed parts of my family. And I'm praying that He claims all of them, grants them hope in His grace, and gives them new eyes to see His goodness. That He shows them a new way to live.
4) Evangelism--God has done a very unexpected work in me, having taken this naturally timid, tongue-tied girl, and poured out the gift of evangelism on me. I'm experiencing such joy in sharing the truth of the gospel with others, as Jesus lets me see them with His eyes. Also, I see myself growing in discernment concerning when and how to share. This year I look forward to growing in and developing this gift.
5) Missions--God has seared in me a heart for the nations for several years now and while I have taken part in the roles of praying, mobilizing, and sending out, it has been years since I have been able to go. Thankfully, I think this is the year! This prospect fits in so well with the theme of waiting that God has woven into my life. My longing grows as I wait, and my joy increases when what I have waited for is given to me. He is wise and good in this.
6) My neighbors--I want to get to know my neighbors and have been praying that God would open up doors for me to talk with them. Just a couple of weeks ago, I met my next door neighbor, Maurice! We had a long talk about life, our hometowns, change, death, Jesus, hope, and the gospel. He knows Jesus too. :) I was so encouraged by our conversation and all the more determined to get to know my other neighbors too.
7) Dance/movement therapy--This is the unfamiliar path that God is taking me down. He is opening up doors to do what I have been dreaming about--to facilitate healing and growth through movement and truth--when I had expected it to take so much longer. When I had expected to have more training, experience, tenure (something!) to offer, He has chosen to equip me as I go. He is calling me here now...and reminding me that He is the Healer, the Redeemer. I am just a vessel.
8) The Present--God has convicted me of my tendency to try to peak ahead into the future, to try to "get past" the valleys and the busy seasons of life. I realized that I could live my whole life trying to "get past" everything and have nothing to show for the joy and suffering I experience. So this year, I choose to walk another way. I want to be fully present in whatever I'm facing--be it joy, sorrow, blessing, trial. I will accept it, lean into Jesus, and glean pearls and beauty from every bit of it. I'm feeling determined and relentless about this.
I am so thankful for another year of life and look forward to a year of being filled up and poured out for the sake and renown of Jesus, in whom all things hold together, including all the pieces of my heart.
Truly,
Ashellen
