A dam has broken in me.
It all started with an unwelcome change. I had been plugging away as the adult faith-based therapist at a mental health hospital and was content to stay. Actually, I was more than content; I was honored to stay. I was honored to have a front row seat to people's journeys of recovery and healing; I was honored to share the truth of the gospel with them and pray with them. Then, something changed very unexpectedly. Due to some shifts in the hospital, I was wedged out of my well-loved position and into another. With practically no experience with children in a therapeutic setting, I stepped into the position of latency therapist, working with children ages 5-12 in a group setting, facing their rage and opposition in a way I had never seen before.
I was disappointed, sad, scared, and utterly confused about the change. I questioned God with all my might because in my understanding it made absolutely no sense. Apart from the hospital administration's reasoning, I knew God was sovereign in the situation. But His plan was baffling to me.
I spent six months praying, learning, reading, (sometimes) crying, taking deep breaths, and asking lots of questions. I set my face like flint toward the task of loving and guiding these kids, taking one day at a time and not having a clue what I was doing. Some days, I felt peace and confidence and experienced bits of encouragement. Many days, though, I felt frazzled, scared, and overwhelmed. I feared not helping, and even harming them, with my uncertainty and ignorance.
I experienced kids screaming and yelling at me, spewing words of hatred at me, staring me down, running away from me (and having to chase them down to protect them), lying boldfaced to me, sneaking around behind my back, cursing at me, and trying to hurt me. Many days I struggled to really love them and not just see them as a problem. For at least three (maybe more) of those six months, I was in survival mode and mustered up small amounts of care and concern in my heart for them (which was not much) and begged God for more.
Something, though, changed in me during that period of time. I know that because over a week ago, I was offered the adult women's therapist position and felt torn in my heart. I accepted the position because I knew it was the best decision, but since then, I have faced some grief and sadness about saying goodbye to the kids. Ironically, I have come to a point of feeling confident in the structure I have established for them and our relationships together. I have grown to love them, and they have grown to love me. Of course, it would be now that I have to say goodbye.
When I first started working with the kids, I made many comments that working with children is difficult because they don't give you feedback the way adults do. But one thing I have learned is - they do; it just looks different. It was so hard to watch their reactions when I broke the news to them that I was leaving - they were very sad and disappointed. One girl in particular, who has had little (if any) support in her life, broke my heart. She had drawn many pictures for me and had become attached to me. When she looked me in the eyes and asked me "Do you have to go?", it was all I could do to keep from crying.
We made cards for each other on my last day.
I can honestly say with all genuineness that I love those kids deeply and will not forget them. I pray that the love of Jesus would guard them and keep them. I am so thankful for the gift they have given me. I am thankful for the opportunity I had to love them through caring concern and discipline. I am thankful for their vulnerability in trusting me and letting me into their lives. I am thankful for the six months that I was ripped from the world that I had known and transplanted into theirs. It was painful and SO worth it. I would not trade those six months for the world.
I am now entering a new unknown season (of many, I know). I will start as the full-time adult women's therapist at the hospital this coming week. And very soon, I will start my new position (which in itself is a gift from God and a very cool story) as a contract counselor with New Friends New Life, conducting sexual abuse recovery groups for abused and trafficked teens in Dallas juvenile detention centers. I am very grateful that God is giving me the chance to represent Him in so many places and know His love in a deeper way. I am a slight conduit, and Jesus is the waterfall. It's freeing to be small.
"Be comforted...it is no doing of yours. You are not great, though you could have prevented a thing so great that Deep Heaven sees it with amazement. Be comforted, small one, in your smallness. He lays no merit on you. Receive and be glad. Have no fear, lest your shoulders be bearing this world."
-C.S. Lewis, Perelandra
