Pondering [these things] in my heart - A Look Back at 2011 and Into 2012

"But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart." Luke 2:19

I haven't been able to get these words out of my mind for the past couple of weeks. I have the slightest notion of what Mary must have felt. To have found herself in the middle of the vortex of God's plan, watching unbelievable events unfold before her eyes. How could she not treasure them all up, waiting for the moments when sitting down and marveling at them was available?

That's what these past several months have been for me. A vortex.

...and now the time for pondering.

The year of 2011 has been a year of transitions. So unlike what I expected and far more than I could have asked for. This year I have experienced the gamut of ups and downs and have pressed into the Lord unlike any other.

In January, I began my third and final practicum, as well as my final semester in DBU's graduate counseling program. I had been running the same loop for 3 years, and at last the final stretch was in sight. I can remember many moments of expectation, sprinkled with fear. And as I walked through the traps of fear with others that the Lord brought me, I was awakened to fear's presence in my own life, to its ever loosening hold on me. I saw my whole life spread before me, along with the sight of this miracle--His steady hammering away at fear in me.

I read myself in the pages of Hinds Feet on High Places and knew that, just like Much Afraid, Jesus took me on this journey out of the Valley of Despair through the Desert, the Shores of Loneliness, the Precipice Injury, the Forests of Danger and Tribulation, and the Floods...that He laid me on the altar and brought me to the end of myself (and will forevermore). Out of the ashes of Much Afraid, He gave me a new name--Grace and Glory--and gave me hinds' feet, so I can walk with Him upon the high places (Habakkuk 3:19).

The Lord gave me such joy in my counseling practicum, as He let me witness miracles of His grace rain down on people. He gave me such joy and fulfillment in dancing for Him with Epiphany, fulfilling a promise He gave me years ago when I was a freshman in college that I would "use dance for ministry", when I had turned my back on dancing, thinking dance was as finished with me, as I was with dance. But no...He had plans. He has plans.

On the other side of the high places, He called me to return to the valley--this time, as Grace and Glory.

...and thus, the journey of this past year.

I wanted to stay and delight in the high places with Him. But He knew better. Even this has been part of His plan in changing my name and my identity. This past summer was dry and difficult, as I experienced various forms of disappointment and loneliness that I had not faced at such a depth in a long time--searching for a job, lacking community. He stripped me bare of anything that I depended on other than Him. Also, in my lack and need, He led me to opportunities and relationships that I cherish. Nuggets of pure gold in my life. Out of the ashes, beauty.

I have a feeling that this next year is going to be unparalleled. I'm learning to ask, seek, and knock with expectancy. God is calling me deeper, to cast aside the sin that so easily entangles, to run the race with abandon. Here's some of the things He's laying on my heart for this year:

1) Prayer will become more like breathing this year, as I'm realizing more of my need and desire to commune with Jesus. My prayers will be bolder and more persistent. And I will listen more.

2) Wisdom is something that I am longing for. I need so much more of it than I have. God is asking me to do things that are beyond my ability, to walk in places that are unknown to me--so this is one of the gifts I'm asking for with increasing fervor and expectancy.

3) My family--I have such a heart to see all of my family know Jesus and experience freedom, joy, and life. I have seen such beauty as God has saved and redeemed parts of my family. And I'm praying that He claims all of them, grants them hope in His grace, and gives them new eyes to see His goodness. That He shows them a new way to live.

4) Evangelism--God has done a very unexpected work in me, having taken this naturally timid, tongue-tied girl, and poured out the gift of evangelism on me. I'm experiencing such joy in sharing the truth of the gospel with others, as Jesus lets me see them with His eyes. Also, I see myself growing in discernment concerning when and how to share. This year I look forward to growing in and developing this gift.

5) Missions--God has seared in me a heart for the nations for several years now and while I have taken part in the roles of praying, mobilizing, and sending out, it has been years since I have been able to go. Thankfully, I think this is the year! This prospect fits in so well with the theme of waiting that God has woven into my life. My longing grows as I wait, and my joy increases when what I have waited for is given to me. He is wise and good in this.

6) My neighbors--I want to get to know my neighbors and have been praying that God would open up doors for me to talk with them. Just a couple of weeks ago, I met my next door neighbor, Maurice! We had a long talk about life, our hometowns, change, death, Jesus, hope, and the gospel. He knows Jesus too. :) I was so encouraged by our conversation and all the more determined to get to know my other neighbors too.

7) Dance/movement therapy--This is the unfamiliar path that God is taking me down. He is opening up doors to do what I have been dreaming about--to facilitate healing and growth through movement and truth--when I had expected it to take so much longer. When I had expected to have more training, experience, tenure (something!) to offer, He has chosen to equip me as I go. He is calling me here now...and reminding me that He is the Healer, the Redeemer. I am just a vessel.

8) The Present--God has convicted me of my tendency to try to peak ahead into the future, to try to "get past" the valleys and the busy seasons of life. I realized that I could live my whole life trying to "get past" everything and have nothing to show for the joy and suffering I experience. So this year, I choose to walk another way. I want to be fully present in whatever I'm facing--be it joy, sorrow, blessing, trial. I will accept it, lean into Jesus, and glean pearls and beauty from every bit of it. I'm feeling determined and relentless about this.

I am so thankful for another year of life and look forward to a year of being filled up and poured out for the sake and renown of Jesus, in whom all things hold together, including all the pieces of my heart.

Truly,

Ashellen

Run to whom

How easy to hold the moments when they are known

And yet scary to sit with them when they are not

Accessible, though they carry the power to be

Unfolding where faith meets the mettle of circumstance

Touching hard stones of yesterday

And calling to the rushing waters of tomorrow

Fear revealing the lies of laconic lips

That say too little to ears that would hear

Just as a swimming child fears the deep end

We run from waterfalls meant to fill canyons of longing

And prefer to play in fountains which with elusive spectacle

Recycle stale water and expel it upward

Then we gasp and pant instead of hunger and thirst

And never taste the bread that would teach us satiety

We deny our need and grovel in our want

With those around us receiving the loss

Press the refresh button one more time.

To exchange eyes that see and ears that hear

For the calloused organs that have lost their function

To have a heart that beats loudly

Instead of one that lies dormant and sedated

Transplanting that which is real and alive for that which has fallen to sleep.

Just breathe.

The time will come for lying down but not now

It’s time to wake up and arise

Step outside the door and run

Run to and not from. And never away.

Run to.

Matters not where but whom. Know to whom you’re going and run.

And the best part is I’ll meet you there.

The Week that Changed My Life

This is such a significant week for me. Though the days are long and full of responsibility, the last thing I want to do is to pass over (no pun intended J) this week as if it is nothing out of the ordinary.

I have recently come to understand why I am made to counsel. It’s not just something I enjoy or that fulfills me. I have this deep sense that it’s the design I’ve been given. There is only one other realm upon entering that gives me this same rush of coming home each time I do it—and that is dancing. I say coming home because I’ve had a restless soul much of my life, and while I’ve enjoyed parts of every stage and the people I’ve been blessed to know, this is the first time I have felt at home in my world.

So this past month has been the month of miracles. I have watched the Lord take the impossible and make it possible. I have reached points of discouragement, carried burdens that were too big for me, and cried---and on the other side of these were the miracles. These past two weeks I have just sat back and watched as God has taken hearts and moved them. And given them hope and joy and LOVE. All these things that I hope to give people glimpses of, all the change that I hope to inspire in people’s lives—He makes it happen. I’ve been told that I’m the mediator in the mystery of transformation and nothing more—it’s humbling and awe-inspiring. I am praying that wherever the Lord leads me to work He enables me to be a facilitator of the kind of miracles I’ve been witnessing. All the human wisdom in the world cannot compare to the power of God at work in someone’s life.

I have learned so much about myself in this past month. Not about my intuition, compassion, or zeal…oh no—those are fun to learn about. Rather I’ve learned about my deep struggles. About where I fall so short. I’ve learned about the two qualities that are so blaringly lacking in me, the very ones the Lord desires to cultivate in this stubborn little heart—self-control and patience.

My passion and creativity have a down side--impulsiveness. And I have begun to see the problems it causes in my life. Right now, I can keep the problems to myself. But God keeps reminding me of the generations to come and the big implications that my self-control and patience (or lack thereof) will have on them. {Funny side note: I recently found a Beth Moore Bible Study I did on the fruit of the Spirit—I did nearly all of it; I just happened to miss the one on self-control…haha}. Ok, so back to the generations…I have this picture of myself as an old woman with all these children and grandchildren gathered around me—my legacy. While what I want in a moment may be fun, what effect will it have on them? And not just that, but what effect will my patterns of thinking and acting without purpose and intentionality have on them? Grrr.

So combined with this awareness is the realization that I cannot remedy the problem. While I am responsible for practicing these things, they do not come from me…they can’t come from me and be real. I can wait for something and not have patience. I can look put together on the outside and be so far from self-control. That is where surrender comes in. Only the Holy Spirit can bring these qualities to life in me; my part is getting out of the way and letting Him. This is going to be a lifelong process…but one that is sooooo worth it.

I am taken aback by grace every day. Even the way the Lord has rebuked my heart in these areas has been so full of grace. He wants me to see things as they are and understand His love is not cheap. His love is not warm fuzzy feelings. His love desires the beauty of the beloved—and He will stop at nothing less.

I cannot get enough of this love. That is what is significant to me about this week. This week celebrates the most loving act the world has ever seen. God became human in Jesus and died for a broken, fallen humanity—because He wanted us that much. Our sin separating us from the God who loves us is real—but He made a way to cover that sin. Jesus was the sacrifice. Jesus loved the very people who killed Him. After 3 days, He resurrected from the dead, proving that He is the God who is more powerful than death and giving life to all who believe in Him.

This reality overwhelms me in the best kind of way.