A Cup Full of Sweet Water

I would not trade anything for this journey that I get to venture on with Jesus.

I have no clue what He's doing with me right now, but I embrace the uncertainty. For contained within it is the opportunity for faith to grow. When it all comes down to it, sin remains where faith has not taken root. When I believe that the Father truly loves me and His heart for me is good, all my fear, hurt, anger, guilt, and confusion melt away. I will never forget an analogy shared by missionary Amy Carmichael--it's actually one that I used today in one of my counseling sessions!

Will a cup full of sweet water when jarred ever spill out bitter water? Of course not! That's preposterous. Whatever is in the cup will be what spills out.

This concept is in diametric opposition to society's thinking, which will conclude all of my problems are my parents' fault or the fault of the difficult people in my life or due to the stress of my circumstances. But Jesus, in the face of imperfect parents, difficult people, and the cross spilled out only sweet water. Never bitter. What a constant challenge and conviction to me!

Where does the bitter water come from? Proverbs 23:7--As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. It comes from what is in my heart.

I am so grateful for the grace of God to reveal the bitter water of my heart. It is His tender kindness calling me to repentance and freedom. His heart for me is so very good. He's taking the tangled knot of my heart and untangling the mess strand by strand.

I am in a difficult season right now. Not only am I going through Steps and Lent, taking a flashlight to all the sin and suffering of my life and dwelling on the sufferings of Christ, but also I am struggling to piece it all together financially. I am not getting as many clients as I was at the beginning of the year, mainly because I have finished with several of them without receiving more in their place. Also, I am not tutoring as much as I was in January. The Lord has reassured me that He has given me this time to focus extra attention on my inventory in Steps, but there is the quiet fear that whispers to me that I am being tricked, that His heart for me is not really good. I know in my head this is ridiculous. But fear, as many of you know, is not something that can be reasoned with. It must be faced and disproven. 1 John 4:18--There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear. I want to experience more of His perfect love, so fear may be silenced in my life. Sweet water only, please.

I am praying with increasing fervency and faith that God provides me with a full time job by the beginning of June. There is a certain opportunity that strangely enough appeals to me--it's a counseling position at a substance abuse treatment center. I have a friend who works there and has recommended it to me. We'll see if it comes to fruition. While I honestly would not have pictured myself working with substance abuse and addiction, God has changed my heart and attitude toward the struggle of addiction. I get it--we are all addicts, really. Our addictions may differ, but they are all disabling in their own way. Moreover, through my journey in Steps, I have come to appreciate the twelve steps and believe that God could use them as an open door to share His truth with clients.

It doesn't make any sense, but I have gone from fearful and unsure to confident and trusting in a span of 24 hours. When all I can say is "Help me, Jesus", He is faithful to do just that. His Spirit is so near right now. I look forward to the next step and all He desires to teach me...I know He won't let me fall.

In open fields of wild flowers

She greets the air and flies away

She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses

In no simple language

Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens

As close as a heartbeat or song on her lips

Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him

Someday He'll call her and she will come running and fall in His arms

The tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with you."

I can remember being a young girl of 7 or 8 years old, hearing this song and crying. The love of Jesus was real to me even then. How sweet He has been to me all of these years.

Bring on the unknown. What I have signed up for is epic adventure, so I'm not settling for anything less. That's the only option with Jesus. Take that, fear.

Redemptive Tears

God is stripping me bare, bringing me to the end of myself in this season of Lent. I am journeying through Steps, taking inventory of my sin and suffering, seeing with greater clarity the trajectory of my ingrained patterns. Freedom begins here. I cherish the redemptive tears that are pouring out of me during this season.

God has been revealing to me the difference between selfish tears and redemptive tears. I have cried many tears in my life (deep feeler that I am). Selfish tears have come as a result of natural consequences to my sin (worldly sorrow) or because my desires have not been fulfilled the way I wanted. But these tears are different. They are tears of a broken and contrite heart. They are tears that see the brokenness of the world and long for healing. They are redemptive tears. On the other side of these tears, there will be laughter and joy. I am already experiencing some of it. And there is more to come. Praise Jesus for these tears.

I attended a day-long workshop today on addressing Family Violence in the Faith community. I was thankful that so many sectors came together--counselors, clergy, law enforcement, and legal staff to collaborate with the purpose of bringing family violence to an end. While I was glad that faith was being addressed alongside the intervention of government-supported agencies, I was disheartened by the fact that the real answer to end violence was hardly addressed at all. No amount of education or collaboration will truly end violence. It may change the form of it. But it will not end it. Since violence is a product of the evil in men's hearts, only the transformative power of Jesus will end it. Not that our education and collaboration do not have purpose--praise God for the work of government that restrains evil and establishes justice. Still, I know deep in my heart that it is not enough. The rabbis and imams may adhere to a strict moral code and lay out the law of God before the men and women of their synagogues and mosques. Without the light of Jesus dawning in their hearts, though, all people are powerless to change. Violence may morph into subtler forms of manipulation--but do not be fooled. Where the root remains, other mutually destructive fruit will emerge.

The gospel is ever on my tongue--I have shared the good news of Jesus many times this week! All because I feel my own desperation and need for Him. Praise His name that He uses us powerfully in our weaknesses. I find my love and compassion for others growing with each surrender. I want so much more of Jesus. Tonight praying with my sisters, I told Him He could have it all and meant it. I will do whatever he wants. I'll move to Africa and mother orphans, like Katie Davis. I will trudge forward in dance and counseling here. I will be content in little and lack. I will be joy-filled in pouring out. I don't care. Give me Jesus.

My prayer is that His name is exalted among the nations. I want him to come back and rescue his bride. I am so grateful to be a part of his flawed, beautiful bride. However I fit into His name being exalted, so be it. I'm looking for him to bring beauty out of these ashes and can't wait to see how he's going to do it. Is it any wonder I am enamored with redemptive tears? Cue the music. Let us dance.

The Day I Became a Woman

This is going to sound strange, but I have been struck with an understanding--today is the day I have become a woman. I don't know the moment it happened. Still, something has changed about the way I see the world. Dreams and goals that used to seem so far away are near and immediate. I will be a mother. God has pierced my heart with the desire to adopt children, and it will happen. While I desire a husband to enter into this journey with me, I will trust God either way. He has called me to be a spiritual and physical mother to children, my own and others.

Through his work in me, He will set captives free. Through dance and truth imparted in counseling, bonds will be broken. Lives will be healed.

No more saying, "Someday". Someday is today. I will boast in my weaknesses and jump aboard this train.

Let this day go down in the books as the day I became a woman. No turning back.

Stroll Down Memory Lane - Resurrecting Old Blog Posts

I was digging around in old blog posts and found what I'm about to share. First off, let me just say that God is doing so much in my life right now I can hardly contain it. I will write it down and share it later. I. am. in. awe.

Until then, I have some very antiquated (circa. 4-7 years ago) blog posts to share. They are the love stories of Alan and Ellen, Adam and Eve.

April 23, 2005 Sophomore in college, young and restless

The name Alan means "noble, handsome."

The name Ellen means "mercy, light."

In the story of my mind, Alan and Ellen's worlds collide, sending sparks of light all around, confounding the wisdom of the world with the delicacy of nobility and the undeserved impartation of mercy.

The question remains--Is the enamorment mutual between Alan and Ellen, or must nobility and mercy forever walk along separate lines, still impactful, yet not as earth-shattering as if the two virtues were combined and detonated by the passion of God lighting them?

The saga continues...

March 10, 2008 Senior in college, sorting through much confusion

“The Stuff of Miracles”

I am all too familiar with Eve’s story. It’s mine, too. You see…God formed me from Adam’s rib and brought me to him as a companion. Then Adam looked at me and said, “I’m waiting on Eve.” I laughed to myself, because I knew that he didn’t recognize me as his wife. I could tell him all day the truth of my identity and purpose, but until he understood it himself, his disbelief would override my surety. What I have left out is that God put Adam to sleep for a long time…so long that Adam had begun to adjust to the solitude in my absence. He dreamed about me so much that he had dissolved the hope of my reality and consigned himself to hang onto the dream instead. Sometimes it’s easier to hope for something forever than to actually accept it when it’s there. What if we mess it up? It can be perfect in our minds in a way that it never can be in reality. So God brought me to Adam, and Adam put me on hold for the dream Eve. This broke my little Eve heart, because the man I was created to love was in love with the false substitute of me. Ironic and unbelievable…but true. Yet I stayed by his side and loved him in subtle, secret ways that wouldn’t jar him from his dream world. I didn’t want to invade and overtake him from the illusion. No, I longed to woo him out. I knew that if he truly saw me, he would prefer me to the dream. Now, I need to confess…when I said God brought me to Adam, I didn’t tell the whole truth. Actually, Adam doesn’t even know that I’m here right now. You see…he’s still asleep. And I’m not quite finished yet. God was reminding me of this the whole time I was wishing for his notice, but I couldn’t help myself. Why can’t he open up his eyes and behold me? God said that he would not recognize me in part but in completion. God apparently has given Adam this keen ability to name things appropriately. He named giraffes, lions, elephants, and bears as what they were created to be. But until he sees me as the finished product of his mate, he will have to withhold the name I am destined for…Eve. I am so close to the identity I can almost taste it. But it is in waiting and longing that God fashions me beautifully in His care. I fall in love with Adam while watching him sleep and fall in love with God in our special time alone. And the rest…as you know, is historically the stuff of miracles.

I have so many old blog posts, but since I was in a whimsical, romantic mood, I chose these. The dreams God gives us are beautiful, even if we never experience them ourselves. At relatively immature and difficult times in my life, God gave me these dreams. And to this day, I see forms of them happening all around me. In romantic love. Brotherly love. Sisterly love. Parent/child love. Friend love.

God is writing poetry into our lives, each syllable having a purpose in its rhyme and rhythm. I can't wait to read the next line.

The Meaning of Sex

I have a feeling that this is going to be my most popular blog post of all time. And rightly so. I think many people need to read this--sex is very misunderstood.

First of all, I just want to share the truth that I am a single virgin woman, who loves Jesus and thinks sex is awesome. I can't say this from personal experience--I just believe and know it to be true. God has wired men and women so perfectly to come together.

So why am I saying this to you? Listen closely.

I believe something is seriously broken in our Western culture, specifically when it comes to sex. God created sex, fully intending for two to become one. It's a mystery, like the union of Christ and the church. In sex, a man and woman give themselves to one another in vulnerability and honesty. The act is purposed to bring pleasure, more so because it's given as well as received (just as love is) and mimic God's act of creation by producing a child. This is what God created sex to be--an act of love, unity, and creation. So beautiful!

So what has gone wrong?

Sadly, men and women are no longer coming together. Sexuality has been taken out of fine china and put into a trash can. The sexual drive that was intended as a gift has become a curse, because we are misusing it. We are running to other things to satisfy us sexually--for some it's pornography, fantasy, masturbation; for some it's seeking comfort in materialism and food, anything to distract them from their sexuality; for others it's playing with pleasure in empty relationships outside of marriage; still others practice prudishness, denial, and asceticism (which is not the same thing as having the gift of celibacy, mind you.) Let us not be like the Gnostics, who consider the body evil and the spirit good, because God has made the body good, and He is pleased with sex. However, let us neither be like the Antinomians, who would take advantage of grace and practice licentiousness, because self-control is a fruit of the Spirit and prevents God's gift from being mishandled and broken.

What needs to change? Instead of allowing our differences to alienate us from one another and turning to other avenues to satisfy us sexually, we have to do a reversal. We have to enter in. We have to reach out to one another in relationships (leading to marriage) and take the chance that we might be hurt if it does not work out. Only by faith in God and the allegiance to a greater love in Jesus is this possible. Everything within us SCREAMS for self-protection, for caution, for fear. And while there is a place for wisdom, discernment, patience, care, and self-control in interactions with the opposite sex, may we never confuse them with self-protection, which is the enemy of love. We only need protecting if what we are at risk of losing is supremely valuable to us. What we fear losing reveals the idols in our heart that must be crushed in order for us to experience freedom. Only freedom will allow us to come together and give of ourselves in love and humility. And out of that love proceeds even more love through having children. And out of all of these things, joy!

Here's my humble prayer and vision. Dallas has an unreal amount of single people, who want to be married. My prayer is that God would humble us all to lay down our idols, our temptations, our fears and take risks. I pray that more people would get married and have children, so that God's people would multiply, fill the earth, and share the good news. While I know that marriage and sex are never going to function as fully as God intended them because we inhabit a fallen world, I am praying that God would redeem them for His glory, that His people would walk a different way and cause the world to take notice.

So that leaves us with one more question. How am I personally planning to respond to what I have just shared with you?

Press into Jesus more. Ask Him to fill me and satisfy me and not awaken love until it so desires. Allow the ache, the loneliness, the longing, and the hope to be married to give me a stake in the suffering and brokenness in the world and move me to reach out in love to all around me--my brothers and sisters, the least of these, my neighbor, and my enemy. I plan on still praying for my husband--that God would give Him courage, boldness, and passion for Jesus, that God would put me on His heart, and that He would pursue me. Also, I plan to stay out in the open and not cloister myself away--even if I never marry, I know that it will not be because I shied away from being a Ruth or an Esther. I will accept the risk. No matter what happens, I pray that God turns the tide of what I see in this culture. And even if I never marry, I trust Him and put my hope in Him. He is worth it all and more. What a small sacrifice for an infinitely generous King.

I hope that God heals your heart in this area, as He is healing mine. I'm feeling more and more freedom to love, take risks, and allow a man to know me without playing games of self-protection and pride. I pray it for all my brothers and sisters who have a heart to be married. May God be glorified in this.

Feel free to share your thoughts with me. I would love to hear them.