I have no clue what He's doing with me right now, but I embrace the uncertainty. For contained within it is the opportunity for faith to grow. When it all comes down to it, sin remains where faith has not taken root. When I believe that the Father truly loves me and His heart for me is good, all my fear, hurt, anger, guilt, and confusion melt away. I will never forget an analogy shared by missionary Amy Carmichael--it's actually one that I used today in one of my counseling sessions!
Will a cup full of sweet water when jarred ever spill out bitter water? Of course not! That's preposterous. Whatever is in the cup will be what spills out.
This concept is in diametric opposition to society's thinking, which will conclude all of my problems are my parents' fault or the fault of the difficult people in my life or due to the stress of my circumstances. But Jesus, in the face of imperfect parents, difficult people, and the cross spilled out only sweet water. Never bitter. What a constant challenge and conviction to me!
Where does the bitter water come from? Proverbs 23:7--As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. It comes from what is in my heart.
I am so grateful for the grace of God to reveal the bitter water of my heart. It is His tender kindness calling me to repentance and freedom. His heart for me is so very good. He's taking the tangled knot of my heart and untangling the mess strand by strand.
I am in a difficult season right now. Not only am I going through Steps and Lent, taking a flashlight to all the sin and suffering of my life and dwelling on the sufferings of Christ, but also I am struggling to piece it all together financially. I am not getting as many clients as I was at the beginning of the year, mainly because I have finished with several of them without receiving more in their place. Also, I am not tutoring as much as I was in January. The Lord has reassured me that He has given me this time to focus extra attention on my inventory in Steps, but there is the quiet fear that whispers to me that I am being tricked, that His heart for me is not really good. I know in my head this is ridiculous. But fear, as many of you know, is not something that can be reasoned with. It must be faced and disproven. 1 John 4:18--There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear. I want to experience more of His perfect love, so fear may be silenced in my life. Sweet water only, please.
I am praying with increasing fervency and faith that God provides me with a full time job by the beginning of June. There is a certain opportunity that strangely enough appeals to me--it's a counseling position at a substance abuse treatment center. I have a friend who works there and has recommended it to me. We'll see if it comes to fruition. While I honestly would not have pictured myself working with substance abuse and addiction, God has changed my heart and attitude toward the struggle of addiction. I get it--we are all addicts, really. Our addictions may differ, but they are all disabling in their own way. Moreover, through my journey in Steps, I have come to appreciate the twelve steps and believe that God could use them as an open door to share His truth with clients.
It doesn't make any sense, but I have gone from fearful and unsure to confident and trusting in a span of 24 hours. When all I can say is "Help me, Jesus", He is faithful to do just that. His Spirit is so near right now. I look forward to the next step and all He desires to teach me...I know He won't let me fall.
In open fields of wild flowers
She greets the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses
In no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running and fall in His arms
The tears will fall down and she'll pray,
"I want to fall in love with you."
I can remember being a young girl of 7 or 8 years old, hearing this song and crying. The love of Jesus was real to me even then. How sweet He has been to me all of these years.
Bring on the unknown. What I have signed up for is epic adventure, so I'm not settling for anything less. That's the only option with Jesus. Take that, fear.
No comments:
Post a Comment