Gleaning Treasure in the Dark and Secret Places

Last week, I had the most beautiful words prayed over me by my friend Mary. I haven't been able to forget them - Lord, give her the ability to glean treasure in the dark and secret places. These words struck a chord in me. The fact that I'm alive today is a gift. The relationships I have - a gift. The suffering, the aching, the hope deferred - a gift. Yes, you heard me right. Those, too. I have realized that they are like a riddle that may never be solved but that promises to have a rhyme. I've determined that since life is but a breath, I will inhale as deeply as possible - that not one ounce of air will be wasted on me. 


Several dear friends have challenged me as I walk through this uncertain time to praise the Lord. Not because I understand my circumstances or choose them, but because He is worthy and good. As I have done this, my eyes have opened to more and more treasure in the dark and secret places. Today, in the midst of an upset stomach, intermittent feelings of shame, and a parking citation - I had loving text messages and phone calls from dear friends. I had a whole hour to process clients with my wonderfully supportive supervisor. I had a job interview at an inpatient psychiatric hospital that actually looks promising (and too big for me - in a good, humbling way). I had a meeting with good friends who live to love and serve the Lord, challenging me. I had a "So You Think You Can Dance?" chill time with girlfriends, who truly care for me - no strings attached. You see what I mean? Treasure.


One of my favorite pieces of treasure as of late has been my experience as a counselor. I don't know how I get the honor to look into people's souls, hear their cries, hold their hands, pray over their shame, their fear, their grief, their confusion, and watch lights come on in their eyes as they stumble into truth and life. Sometimes I don't get to see this happen - and yet, I know not a word of truth spoken in love is ever wasted. But the times I do get to see it - and these have been multiplying - are the sweetest gifts to my soul. They make every.bit.of.the.ache. worth it. I am able to comfort because I have been comforted. I am being comforted, even in this moment. Why would I trade the moments that I get to feel the Lord's heart for a person in front of me, to see with His eyes, and to know that our present sufferings are not worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed in us? No longer mere words to me. I have begged the Lord for wisdom and understanding - His answer, along with yes, has been "Go where I have walked, see what I have seen, take up your cross and follow me." I have seen too much goodness to turn back now. 


When the lights go out and darkness falls all around you, it takes some time for your eyes to adjust. But once they do, you can see what really glows. It may not be what you think. For He uses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise and the weak things of the world to shame the strong. Look much more closely at what the world calls weak and foolish and you just might discover gold. 


I have. And I'd like to share it with you.


Give thanks in all.circumstances.

Never Going to Be the Same Again

It does not take much to get me excited. There are many things that capture my fancy-good music, deep relationships, dancing, listening, laughing, and learning, to name a few. I tend to see the possibility that the future holds and believe that out of this vision, I speak to the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. I see God making all things new and seek to meet Him there. Not to dismiss suffering, of which I am so sensitive - it is simply such a sweet grace of God to give someone like me, who feels everything so deeply (a blessing and a curse), a vision so hopeful and beautiful, and even more so, to let me participate in His work of bringing the vision to life.

With all that said, I have been reflecting on my life and praying with an uncharacteristic soberness. I have experienced a dynamic shift within my soul and honestly believe that I am never going to be the same again. Something has happened recently that has jolted me out of a slumber and caused me to look at this past year with a new perspective. I have witnessed a miracle unlike anything I've ever seen before. One of my dearest friends Suzanne has swept out of my life as quickly and fully as she swept in. A month and a half ago, she was not called to the nations. I even remember arguing with her about the importance of international missions, as she charged that we are all sent (which is true) but not the point. Her point was that she did not see why there was a great deal of honor and attention given to those sent to the nations, even though this is clearly the movement of God's heart among us. And then a series of events fell into place - conversations with her closest friends, a "Don't Waste Your Life" sermon by John Piper, a joy in sharing the gospel, a love for diversity, a loosening of her hands on her possessions and worldly desires, and intimacy with the Spirit of the Lord. And before I knew it, she desired to sell everything she had to go to one of the darkest places on earth in India and share the gospel, to live and walk alongside the poor and destitute. And if that weren't jolting enough, just a couple of weeks after deciding this, she went. And I can attest to every confirmation from the Lord along the way - freeing her from her job (from which she had no reason to be let go), enabling her to get into the Iris mission school after the deadline had passed, and obtaining a 10 year visa to India in one day (when they were only giving visas out for life and death emergencies). These are just a few of the confirmations. 

Honestly, the above would affect me deeply apart from knowing Suzanne, but it affects me tremendously and so much more because I have walked closely with this woman - cried heavy tears, laughed with abandon, held hands, prayed with fervor, talked with gusto, and lived through many quiet, still moments. She is a kindred spirit - one whom I walked closely with for not quite a year and felt as if I knew her for a lifetime. I have known her faults, fears, and desires. I have battled with her and for her. And boy has she battled with and for me. She is a real person. And yet, I've never met anyone like her in all my life. She has had it all - everything the world would call valuable - money, status, and success. She was stripped of it all at one time in her life, and now, she has let it all go.  I have seen a humble (though fiery) woman with Jesus in her eyes. I have seen the Spirit of God take hold of her heart to the point that she really got it - she saw the gospel in all its beauty and fullness, saw the shortness of life, and saw so many souls that needed to hear. I'm writing this and crying. I really wish you could've known Suzanne like I know her. You would never be the same either. I love her so much because I see Jesus in her. Suzanne knows the worth of Jesus, and her life is the loudest sermon I've ever heard proclaiming his worth. It has been the sweetest grief to let her go - grief because I miss her so much as a special part of my life (one that I will cherish forever) and sweet because I believe in what she's doing and the God she's running with. I believe that He loves the people in India too much to keep her here, as much as I would selfishly want to do so.

The reason I'm recounting all this with such prayerful soberness is because I can't see all of this and look at my life in the ways I have been anymore. I'm still processing how this has changed me and the implications it holds for my future. I'm praying, walking forward, and trusting that God will show me. I lay my gifts, my life, my hopes and dreams at His feet, believing that He will make them worth so much more than I ever could clinging to them so tightly.

I have been given the blessed honor of walking with a modern day Amy Carmichael and feel the Lord's love for me in knitting me together with so beautiful a soul. I am beyond grateful and humbled and surrendered to Him. May He get half the glory in this little life that He has already received in hers. 

Praying for you, dear friend of my heart. Blessings all over your precious life.

Just Breathe

My favorite line from my favorite movie.

Danielle from the movie Ever After has just ascended the stairs dressed in her angelic garb for the costume party, ready to find Prince Henry, the one whom has captured her heart and whom she thought she would never see again. About to enter the soiree of costumed guests, she stops and says to herself: "Just breathe." So light and yet full of meaning. What happens next is a series of circumstances rising to a climax, in which the prince, discovering her true identity as a mere peasant (revealed by her cruel stepmother), dismisses her from his sight and looks at her (the one whom the day before he was spouting sonnets to) as if at a stranger. Humiliated and heartbroken, she flees the party through a torrential downpour of rain, one wing intact and the other torn. She falls headfirst, dripping wet, in front of the door of her house. The heavy downpour of rain matches her tears, as she cries for all that has been stripped from her--her wing and her prince--and with these, any hope for true freedom from the slavery under which she has been living in her stepmother's home.

There is something so tragically beautiful about the rain and her tears. I cry every time I see this scene.

I tell myself to "Just breathe" often. In fact, I am telling it to myself now, little knowing what may come next. On the one hand, I may be on the brink of breakthrough and blessing, as the Lord at times grants us these seasons in his grace. Or I may be on the brink of a climax (who doesn't love a good story in life) with the rain to match my tears. I can tell that the Lord is bringing me to a place of freedom because I feel open to either.

No eye has seen,

No ear has heard,

And no mind has conceived

What God has prepared for those who love him.

1 Corinthians 2:9

I believe this with my whole heart. How can I have made it this far, clinging to the Lord's hand with everything in me, and not believe it? I cashed in all my chips too long ago to remember. If He doesn't show up, I'm screwed.

I have many hopes and dreams. And they have been the food of my mind and heart for so long. Just as he did with Isaac, God has brought them to the chopping block (repeatedly, mind you) and asked me if I love Him enough to place them on the altar and trust Him no matter what. With tears in my eyes, I have said "yes" a hundred times and will say "yes" a hundred times more. Originally, I said "yes" because I hoped it meant He would spare my hopes and dreams, that if I proved my allegiance, He would provide a ram to sacrifice in their place. Now, I say "yes" because as wonderful as my hopes and dreams are, they don't own me anymore. This is freedom. I am full of praise in this moment because I know He loves me enough to not only set me free of my desire for the wrong things but also to set me free from my inordinate desire for the right things.

I have a job interview tomorrow. I don't really know what to expect, and that's ok. I don't even remember applying for this job, which makes me all the more curious about it. I'm praying that God will provide for my needs, give me a full time or almost full time counseling position (at least 30 hours a week), and enable me to obtain ample training and experience through the job opportunity.

I like happily-ever-afters. And I love the movie Ever After, because it does not just present a caricatured princess that goes from poverty to riches in one slide. Ever After shows a woman, who after experiencing loss, hardship, and rejection, comes out on the other side as strong as gold, though not as hard as steel--her strength is just as impressive as her gentleness and kindness. This is why I consider it my favorite movie. Her character development is one that I long for and pray for.

I want to be as wise as the serpent and as gentle and pure as the dove. I pray that I am aware of the pain and suffering in the world, even entering into it as the Lord calls me to. But I pray that it never hardens me. By the Lord's grace, may He be strong and gentle in me. May the gift of mercy continue to flow from my every pore. I will hug and comfort the brokenhearted and speak words of life into them. May the gift of prophecy also continue to grow in me, as He gives me appropriate words of truth to share with individuals and with the body.

I don't know anything about what is coming next, but I do think I am onto something with my inclination to "Just breathe".

*deep breath*

More to come.

A Cup Full of Sweet Water

I would not trade anything for this journey that I get to venture on with Jesus.

I have no clue what He's doing with me right now, but I embrace the uncertainty. For contained within it is the opportunity for faith to grow. When it all comes down to it, sin remains where faith has not taken root. When I believe that the Father truly loves me and His heart for me is good, all my fear, hurt, anger, guilt, and confusion melt away. I will never forget an analogy shared by missionary Amy Carmichael--it's actually one that I used today in one of my counseling sessions!

Will a cup full of sweet water when jarred ever spill out bitter water? Of course not! That's preposterous. Whatever is in the cup will be what spills out.

This concept is in diametric opposition to society's thinking, which will conclude all of my problems are my parents' fault or the fault of the difficult people in my life or due to the stress of my circumstances. But Jesus, in the face of imperfect parents, difficult people, and the cross spilled out only sweet water. Never bitter. What a constant challenge and conviction to me!

Where does the bitter water come from? Proverbs 23:7--As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. It comes from what is in my heart.

I am so grateful for the grace of God to reveal the bitter water of my heart. It is His tender kindness calling me to repentance and freedom. His heart for me is so very good. He's taking the tangled knot of my heart and untangling the mess strand by strand.

I am in a difficult season right now. Not only am I going through Steps and Lent, taking a flashlight to all the sin and suffering of my life and dwelling on the sufferings of Christ, but also I am struggling to piece it all together financially. I am not getting as many clients as I was at the beginning of the year, mainly because I have finished with several of them without receiving more in their place. Also, I am not tutoring as much as I was in January. The Lord has reassured me that He has given me this time to focus extra attention on my inventory in Steps, but there is the quiet fear that whispers to me that I am being tricked, that His heart for me is not really good. I know in my head this is ridiculous. But fear, as many of you know, is not something that can be reasoned with. It must be faced and disproven. 1 John 4:18--There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear. I want to experience more of His perfect love, so fear may be silenced in my life. Sweet water only, please.

I am praying with increasing fervency and faith that God provides me with a full time job by the beginning of June. There is a certain opportunity that strangely enough appeals to me--it's a counseling position at a substance abuse treatment center. I have a friend who works there and has recommended it to me. We'll see if it comes to fruition. While I honestly would not have pictured myself working with substance abuse and addiction, God has changed my heart and attitude toward the struggle of addiction. I get it--we are all addicts, really. Our addictions may differ, but they are all disabling in their own way. Moreover, through my journey in Steps, I have come to appreciate the twelve steps and believe that God could use them as an open door to share His truth with clients.

It doesn't make any sense, but I have gone from fearful and unsure to confident and trusting in a span of 24 hours. When all I can say is "Help me, Jesus", He is faithful to do just that. His Spirit is so near right now. I look forward to the next step and all He desires to teach me...I know He won't let me fall.

In open fields of wild flowers

She greets the air and flies away

She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses

In no simple language

Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens

As close as a heartbeat or song on her lips

Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him

Someday He'll call her and she will come running and fall in His arms

The tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with you."

I can remember being a young girl of 7 or 8 years old, hearing this song and crying. The love of Jesus was real to me even then. How sweet He has been to me all of these years.

Bring on the unknown. What I have signed up for is epic adventure, so I'm not settling for anything less. That's the only option with Jesus. Take that, fear.

Redemptive Tears

God is stripping me bare, bringing me to the end of myself in this season of Lent. I am journeying through Steps, taking inventory of my sin and suffering, seeing with greater clarity the trajectory of my ingrained patterns. Freedom begins here. I cherish the redemptive tears that are pouring out of me during this season.

God has been revealing to me the difference between selfish tears and redemptive tears. I have cried many tears in my life (deep feeler that I am). Selfish tears have come as a result of natural consequences to my sin (worldly sorrow) or because my desires have not been fulfilled the way I wanted. But these tears are different. They are tears of a broken and contrite heart. They are tears that see the brokenness of the world and long for healing. They are redemptive tears. On the other side of these tears, there will be laughter and joy. I am already experiencing some of it. And there is more to come. Praise Jesus for these tears.

I attended a day-long workshop today on addressing Family Violence in the Faith community. I was thankful that so many sectors came together--counselors, clergy, law enforcement, and legal staff to collaborate with the purpose of bringing family violence to an end. While I was glad that faith was being addressed alongside the intervention of government-supported agencies, I was disheartened by the fact that the real answer to end violence was hardly addressed at all. No amount of education or collaboration will truly end violence. It may change the form of it. But it will not end it. Since violence is a product of the evil in men's hearts, only the transformative power of Jesus will end it. Not that our education and collaboration do not have purpose--praise God for the work of government that restrains evil and establishes justice. Still, I know deep in my heart that it is not enough. The rabbis and imams may adhere to a strict moral code and lay out the law of God before the men and women of their synagogues and mosques. Without the light of Jesus dawning in their hearts, though, all people are powerless to change. Violence may morph into subtler forms of manipulation--but do not be fooled. Where the root remains, other mutually destructive fruit will emerge.

The gospel is ever on my tongue--I have shared the good news of Jesus many times this week! All because I feel my own desperation and need for Him. Praise His name that He uses us powerfully in our weaknesses. I find my love and compassion for others growing with each surrender. I want so much more of Jesus. Tonight praying with my sisters, I told Him He could have it all and meant it. I will do whatever he wants. I'll move to Africa and mother orphans, like Katie Davis. I will trudge forward in dance and counseling here. I will be content in little and lack. I will be joy-filled in pouring out. I don't care. Give me Jesus.

My prayer is that His name is exalted among the nations. I want him to come back and rescue his bride. I am so grateful to be a part of his flawed, beautiful bride. However I fit into His name being exalted, so be it. I'm looking for him to bring beauty out of these ashes and can't wait to see how he's going to do it. Is it any wonder I am enamored with redemptive tears? Cue the music. Let us dance.

The Day I Became a Woman

This is going to sound strange, but I have been struck with an understanding--today is the day I have become a woman. I don't know the moment it happened. Still, something has changed about the way I see the world. Dreams and goals that used to seem so far away are near and immediate. I will be a mother. God has pierced my heart with the desire to adopt children, and it will happen. While I desire a husband to enter into this journey with me, I will trust God either way. He has called me to be a spiritual and physical mother to children, my own and others.

Through his work in me, He will set captives free. Through dance and truth imparted in counseling, bonds will be broken. Lives will be healed.

No more saying, "Someday". Someday is today. I will boast in my weaknesses and jump aboard this train.

Let this day go down in the books as the day I became a woman. No turning back.

Stroll Down Memory Lane - Resurrecting Old Blog Posts

I was digging around in old blog posts and found what I'm about to share. First off, let me just say that God is doing so much in my life right now I can hardly contain it. I will write it down and share it later. I. am. in. awe.

Until then, I have some very antiquated (circa. 4-7 years ago) blog posts to share. They are the love stories of Alan and Ellen, Adam and Eve.

April 23, 2005 Sophomore in college, young and restless

The name Alan means "noble, handsome."

The name Ellen means "mercy, light."

In the story of my mind, Alan and Ellen's worlds collide, sending sparks of light all around, confounding the wisdom of the world with the delicacy of nobility and the undeserved impartation of mercy.

The question remains--Is the enamorment mutual between Alan and Ellen, or must nobility and mercy forever walk along separate lines, still impactful, yet not as earth-shattering as if the two virtues were combined and detonated by the passion of God lighting them?

The saga continues...

March 10, 2008 Senior in college, sorting through much confusion

“The Stuff of Miracles”

I am all too familiar with Eve’s story. It’s mine, too. You see…God formed me from Adam’s rib and brought me to him as a companion. Then Adam looked at me and said, “I’m waiting on Eve.” I laughed to myself, because I knew that he didn’t recognize me as his wife. I could tell him all day the truth of my identity and purpose, but until he understood it himself, his disbelief would override my surety. What I have left out is that God put Adam to sleep for a long time…so long that Adam had begun to adjust to the solitude in my absence. He dreamed about me so much that he had dissolved the hope of my reality and consigned himself to hang onto the dream instead. Sometimes it’s easier to hope for something forever than to actually accept it when it’s there. What if we mess it up? It can be perfect in our minds in a way that it never can be in reality. So God brought me to Adam, and Adam put me on hold for the dream Eve. This broke my little Eve heart, because the man I was created to love was in love with the false substitute of me. Ironic and unbelievable…but true. Yet I stayed by his side and loved him in subtle, secret ways that wouldn’t jar him from his dream world. I didn’t want to invade and overtake him from the illusion. No, I longed to woo him out. I knew that if he truly saw me, he would prefer me to the dream. Now, I need to confess…when I said God brought me to Adam, I didn’t tell the whole truth. Actually, Adam doesn’t even know that I’m here right now. You see…he’s still asleep. And I’m not quite finished yet. God was reminding me of this the whole time I was wishing for his notice, but I couldn’t help myself. Why can’t he open up his eyes and behold me? God said that he would not recognize me in part but in completion. God apparently has given Adam this keen ability to name things appropriately. He named giraffes, lions, elephants, and bears as what they were created to be. But until he sees me as the finished product of his mate, he will have to withhold the name I am destined for…Eve. I am so close to the identity I can almost taste it. But it is in waiting and longing that God fashions me beautifully in His care. I fall in love with Adam while watching him sleep and fall in love with God in our special time alone. And the rest…as you know, is historically the stuff of miracles.

I have so many old blog posts, but since I was in a whimsical, romantic mood, I chose these. The dreams God gives us are beautiful, even if we never experience them ourselves. At relatively immature and difficult times in my life, God gave me these dreams. And to this day, I see forms of them happening all around me. In romantic love. Brotherly love. Sisterly love. Parent/child love. Friend love.

God is writing poetry into our lives, each syllable having a purpose in its rhyme and rhythm. I can't wait to read the next line.