What's Food Got to Do with It?

When it's been 2 years since you last blogged, it can be awkward to jump back in again. It's like when you have wanted to call a friend for months (in this case, years - shame!), and you keep putting it off because you will have to spend at least the first 10 minutes of the call apologizing and explaining why it's been so long.

For my 1st post back, I thought it best to stay away from talking about terrorism, guns, and any other politically charged hot-button topics for multiple reasons: 1. While I have thoughts on political subjects, I do not consider myself knowledgable enough about them to write about them well. 2. I would rather everyone gather around, hold hands, and sing kum-ba-ya - I know it's pathetic, but how are you going to fight the counselor in me? 3. For crying out loud, it's my 1st blog post after 2 years. I need to start with doggy paddling in the shallow end. Truth.

So now that we've gotten all of that out of the way, I wanted to share about something that I've recently experienced that has been a game changer for me. I have been on the healthy eating train for a while bc I've wanted to feel good and have a good quality of life. What I've realized is that my version of healthy eating was throwing in a veggie or two in with the meats, breads, and sweets I had always been eating (balanced eating includes dessert! ;)). And y'all to tell you the truth, I have eaten vegetables because I know they're "good for me", never out of a craving or desire. Um...you know what would be so amazing right now? Some cucumber. Oooo, could you give me some of that carrot? Yumm. Nope. I have trained my brain to think - eat this and your heart will be happy.


So what has changed for me is my perspective toward vegetables - this is huge. About a month ago, I joined the produce co-op Urban Acres and will never look back. All of the produce is organic; all of it is locally-sourced; and it is affordable. All of these factors were the hook, line, and sinker for me. I've realized the importance of eating organically, as research shows all the hazards that pesticides and GMOs can pose to our health. I've also been drawn to supporting our local farmers. I really believe that our food industry has some major issues, and part of the reason is because it has become a big money-driven corporation, which has lost touch with what people need. It has lost the human component. Our local farmers are such a treasure, and if we do not support them, our economy will suffer, and ultimately, we will suffer. Lastly, I was able to look at this option as a financially viable option. Buying local and organic does not have to break the bank.

So one month in, I have never felt better. That part was not a big surprise to me. The surprise was how good all the vegetables (and fruit) tasted to me. Last night, we had grilled salmon with quinoa, roasted eggplant, and tomatoes with mint. I made the same thing again today with chicken because we liked it so much (My husband Gabriel is actually the primary cook in our world, so that should tell you how much I wanted to eat our produce!!). The carrots and yellow squash we had in our last shipment were so tasty, we didn't even want to cook them, so we ate them raw. I have never enjoyed vegetables so much!! What gives?!

So upon thinking about this, I reflected on the fact that our grocery stores carry produce from all over the states, even all over the world. We're not necessarily getting what's local and in season. And we're also not necessarily getting our produce the freshest because of transportation time. I have never had organic vegetables from a grocery store taste as amazing as the ones from this co-op do. Every shipment is like this great discovery of produce. Y'all I'm genuinely enjoying eating vegetables. As a girl who grew up eating PB&J almost every day for lunch and whose favorite childhood fast food meal was Wendy's Junior Bacon Cheeseburger with mustard only and Biggie Fries, this is a very big deal.

I started thinking - how would things be different for the next generation if we gave them food that is genuinely good - both for them and in their opinion? Maybe we would see kids who are healthier physically and mentally, who are able to focus in school, and who have the sustained energy to run, play, and have fun. Some things to ponder.

My recommendation to you is that you look into local, organic food options in your neighborhood. Like me, you might be pleasantly surprised with what you find.

Wallflower: The Life of the Unseen

I have these moments of freeze motion in the wake of frenzy, as if a movie scene has opened to reveal a glass vase flying into the air in slow motion. I am watching with no small amount of fear and trembling, anxious that the vase will shatter onto the ground, and I will be shown to be a fool for believing that the rules are breakable in the natural world, like they would be in a movie.

The frenzy is this past year of nonstop momentum. I have pressed onward and upward as a therapist in the trenches and am beginning to experience the rush of weariness that comes with stooping down low long and hard to lift up heavy, broken bodies. I am tired and want to sink deep in the mud and sleep, while the battle rages overhead, bullets blasting by to remind me that the time has not come for sleeping yet.

There is an anonymous, mysterious, lonely air to the trenches. For someone who knows what it's like to dance in the spotlight (literally), it has been a season of bowing low and humbling myself, submitting to the word the Lord gave me at the beginning of the year - that this would be the year of unseen for me. I first understood it to mean that I would be unseen, but later have come to understand that it means much more than that. As I submit to going unseen and unnoticed, my eyes have been opened to the world of the unseen, where God makes Himself known. The God whose face I see in Jesus. 

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things unseen. {Hebrews 11:1}

~September 16, 2013

Such a breakthrough this past year - much more to come.

Isn't it Ironic? Invisible Blog: 3/7/13

Irony is one of my favorite literary devices, probably because it evokes smirks and surprises, both of which I enjoy. Strangely enough, though, irony is an element that one can appreciate much better objectively from a distance rather than finding oneself a victim of it.

Three weekends ago, feeling bogged down by a difficult job and health problems, God put it on my heart to pursue the discipline of gratitude. Little did I know what I was about to experience. The week following this nudge was probably the most challenging week I have had so far at my job, full of conflict and heaviness. Tuesday night I collapsed into my floor, a puddle of tears, and God reminded me of what He had spoken to me the previous weekend. In an attitude of desperation, with an aside of sighs and a furrowed, determined brow, I took an action-oriented approach and drove to the nearest Barnes and Noble and purchased two items  - 1000 Gifts and a journal.

Little did I know that the discipline of giving thanks would be the key to my survival. Feeling tired, weak, and overwhelmed, I decided to take time each day to thank God for the gifts He had given me that day. Initially, it was an exercise that my heart was hardly in. I mechanically thanked God for the hard lessons of loving kids that spewed anger, distrust, and hatred toward me. Then, I thanked God for the simple and oftentimes forgotten wonders, like sunsets and dark chocolate. My observations and reasons for thanks multiplied exponentially. Over time, I began to perceive a change - my joy was growing. I saw God's goodness and kindness cover my circumstances.

And then it hit me today, as I am overflowing with gratitude and awe. I am closer to reality than I ever have been, because I see how small I am and how great God is to shape this little life for imparting love in the hard places. It all points back to Jesus.

Allow me to share some of my breakthroughs of gratitude with you:
1. God is being so kind to take me through this season of being unseen. It's a word He spoke to me for this year. He is humbling me low and taking me away from the notice of others. This is stripping me of a lifelong struggle of finding my sense of worth in other's approval.
2. God is teaching me the deepest lessons in the hard, risky places. Every day is a risk, because I have no clue what I will face in the work He has given me. In that, though, I'm experiencing the necessity of walking in full dependence on Jesus' grace and strength. As each day begins, I'm walking in the reality of "if-He-doesn't-show-up-I'm-screwed".
3. God is answering prayers I have been praying for years for my family for them to have open eyes and hearts and see the reality of His love for them.
4. God is teaching me how to take time to rest, also a lesson in humility.

Just scratching the surface, here.

Freeing to be Small: Lessons from Children and Changes

A dam has broken in me.

It all started with an unwelcome change. I had been plugging away as the adult faith-based therapist at a mental health hospital and was content to stay. Actually, I was more than content; I was honored to stay. I was honored to have a front row seat to people's journeys of recovery and healing; I was honored to share the truth of the gospel with them and pray with them. Then, something changed very unexpectedly. Due to some shifts in the hospital, I was wedged out of my well-loved position and into another. With practically no experience with children in a therapeutic setting, I stepped into the position of latency therapist, working with children ages 5-12 in a group setting, facing their rage and opposition in a way I had never seen before.

I was disappointed, sad, scared, and utterly confused about the change. I questioned God with all my might because in my understanding it made absolutely no sense. Apart from the hospital administration's reasoning, I knew God was sovereign in the situation. But His plan was baffling to me.

I spent six months praying, learning, reading, (sometimes) crying, taking deep breaths, and asking lots of questions. I set my face like flint toward the task of loving and guiding these kids, taking one day at a time and not having a clue what I was doing. Some days, I felt peace and confidence and experienced bits of encouragement. Many days, though, I felt frazzled, scared, and overwhelmed. I feared not helping, and even harming them, with my uncertainty and ignorance.

I experienced kids screaming and yelling at me, spewing words of hatred at me, staring me down, running away from me (and having to chase them down to protect them), lying boldfaced to me, sneaking around behind my back, cursing at me, and trying to hurt me. Many days I struggled to really love them and not just see them as a problem. For at least three (maybe more) of those six months, I was in survival mode and mustered up small amounts of care and concern in my heart for them (which was not much) and begged God for more.

Something, though, changed in me during that period of time. I know that because over a week ago, I was offered the adult women's therapist position and felt torn in my heart. I accepted the position because I knew it was the best decision, but since then, I have faced some grief and sadness about saying goodbye to the kids. Ironically, I  have come to a point of feeling confident in the structure I have established for them and our relationships together. I have grown to love them, and they have grown to love me. Of course, it would be now that I have to say goodbye.

When I first started working with the kids, I made many comments that working with children is difficult because they don't give you feedback the way adults do. But one thing I have learned is - they do; it just looks different. It was so hard to watch their reactions when I broke the news to them that I was leaving - they were very sad and disappointed. One girl in particular, who has had little (if any) support in her life, broke my heart. She had drawn many pictures for me and had become attached to me. When she looked me in the eyes and asked me "Do you have to go?", it was all I could do to keep from crying.

We made cards for each other on my last day.

I can honestly say with all genuineness that I love those kids deeply and will not forget them. I pray that the love of Jesus would guard them and keep them. I am so thankful for the gift they have given me. I am thankful for the opportunity I had to love them through caring concern and discipline. I am thankful for their vulnerability in trusting me and letting me into their lives. I am thankful for the six months that I was ripped from the world that I had known and transplanted into theirs. It was painful and SO worth it. I would not trade those six months for the world.

I am now entering a new unknown season (of many, I know). I will start as the full-time adult women's therapist at the hospital this coming week. And very soon, I will start my new position (which in itself is a gift from God and a very cool story) as a contract counselor with New Friends New Life, conducting sexual abuse recovery groups for abused and trafficked teens in Dallas juvenile detention centers. I am very grateful that God is giving me the chance to represent Him in so many places and know His love in a deeper way. I am a slight conduit, and Jesus is the waterfall. It's freeing to be small.

"Be comforted...it is no doing of yours. You are not great, though you could have prevented a thing so great that Deep Heaven sees it with amazement. Be comforted, small one, in your smallness. He lays no merit on you. Receive and be glad. Have no fear, lest your shoulders be bearing this world."
-C.S. Lewis, Perelandra

On Tempers and Tantrums: Lessons Learned from Therapy with Children

Children are more like adults than we think. They are the raw, unrefined form of us. I can hardly count the number of times I've looked at a child and sincerely asked him/her, "Why did you do that?" Why did you hit your sister? Why did you scream at mom and dad? Why did you throw a fit at bedtime? The responses are typical. "I didn't want to do this...I wanted to do that." Many times I will hear "because I want what I want." Seriously, kids say this to me all the time. In some ways, it's sobering. In other ways, it's refreshing.

It's sobering because kids are clearly plagued by the same problem as adults, a preoccupation with self. This self-centeredness marks their actions and behaviors and has the capacity to do a great deal of harm to their families, just like adults. It's refreshing because they haven't figured out how to lie and manipulate a situation to go their way, or if they have, they're usually not very good at it yet. I can see through their game and call them on it. Unfortunately, adults have the same self-centered impulse as children but tend to be much better at lying and manipulation to get what they want. They may not hit, scream, and throw fits (or they may - many adults do), but they can subtly subvert reality to work in their favor.

I have learned a great deal about love since working with children. Doing therapy with children is so different from therapy with adults that it has taken me on a very unexpected, eye-opening journey. I have realized that clearly establishing expectations and saying "no" are two of the kindest things I can do for children, not to mention practicing discipline. I aim to do formative and corrective discipline. Formative discipline is the instructive component of what I do, training them in appropriate ways of acting and interacting. This is largely peaceable. But when necessary (and it often is), I practice corrective discipline (marks, time outs, etc.) to let the children know their limits, to protect them from hurting themselves or each other. This is when I am faced with tempers and tantrums - crying, screaming, yelling, kicking, biting. I am fortunate to have support staff to help me with these. Strangely enough, I have come to expect tantrums and know that it means I'm doing the best I can for these kids. I want to encourage them, listen to them, support them - these acts show them love. But I'm really surprised by my experience of how much discipline shows them love, as I see them feel safe and comfortable in the structure I have established for them.

Children have taught me a lot about simplicity. They say what they think and mean what they say. In a world of adults constantly trying to say things a certain way or say what they're supposed to say, it is a relief to be in a black and white world with children. God keeps reminding me that His kingdom belongs to little children. While I may be resistant to working with children, because I think my strengths are more useful elsewhere (with adolescents or adults), He reminds me of how valuable my work with them is. I am greeting these kids at a formative time in their lives, and if I can reach them as children, maybe I can be one of those figures in their lives that impacts the kind of adults they become.

One of the sacrifices I have had to make in working with children is letting go of receiving approval or feedback. Working with adults, I could hear responses of how I was helping them with particular wisdom or insight for their lives. Children cannot give me the same kind of feedback. I have to be content to do and say all the good, truthful things I can, hoping and praying that something sticks. That they see love in me, even if they never acknowledge it. My supervisor calls me Johnny Appleseed, an apt description. I'm planting seeds without knowing what growth they will produce, praying with all my heart that God sovereignly gives them growth, guiding and transforming these young souls.

God has told me that I am in a season of being unseen. He is revealing to me that it does not matter if anyone sees or acknowledges me but Him, and in fact, He is purposefully taking me away from being seen in order to prune my desires and motives. This is a painful, humbling process of dying to the self that wants so much to be acknowledged. But I am thankful that the same formative and corrective discipline that I give the children entrusted to me is offered to me from a loving Father.

Letters Unread

Sincere letters written from the bottom of her soul, yet unread

But he was ever in mind, the phantom of her life

The invisible recipient of her secret thoughts

She, little knowing when his presence would materialize

Takes up the pen again after years of silent wanderings

In which truth and righteousness were her sole pursuit

The beauty of love without sight is worth pursuing

Knowing that hope takes flight and sings

When we believe what we have been told

By the Maker of the universe, who has a tapestry to weave

In the details of our lives, not for our own gain

But for the glory of His name in all the earth

Subtle prayers prayed by her parents, who with small faith

And a timid approach to the throne of grace

Pleaded for him on her behalf, when her years were few

And she had no idea what lay in store

How through a journey of laying down her dreams

He would lay the groundwork for their fulfillment beyond

Remembering her youth, the years of adolescence

In which the most beautiful dreams were born

And through the delicate refinement of time and experience

Her spirit was humbled and made grateful for all seasons

An understanding dawns upon her that each new chapter

Promises new hurdles and joys, the anticipation ever increasing

As visions and dreams descend, she holds loosely to the future

Knowing that nothing is certain but the One who is the same

Yesterday, today, and forever - the Father of time and space

Who has spun her around the dance floor one more time

And set her down to write a letter that is yet unread

Knowing that the real loss would be for it to go unwritten

Love. knows. no. bounds.

Goodbye as the New Hello

Goodbye is a word that has lost its potency for me, because it has become a cliche word. Since the day I was born I have been saying goodbye. 

At the tender age of seven, I found a world of possibility on my elementary school's vast playground. Atop a jungle gym shaped like a dragon, a group of us would take turns jumping from one dragon limb to the other, each time stepping one bar higher, increasing the risk that we might not reach the the other side. Somehow even then, we knew the risk was worth it, even if we fell and felt the gravel crunch our palms and shins. No great jump is made without the possibility of a great fall.

The lessons began on the playground and have only multiplied since. To playing pretend and jumping on jungle gyms, I have said goodbye.

At the formative age of 13, I entered into a realm altogether different from what I had known before. I traded childhood games and frivolity for teenage angst and insecurity (kind of a raw deal if you ask me). The games changed focus, but were still present. For the first time, I auditioned for the competition team at my dance studio, and I aimed for a level higher than my age range, a level higher than what was recommended for me. I jumped and fell, missing the mark and scraping my knees. Although I trod through a year of tears and wounded pride, my jumping days were far from over. I would jump again, and not only would I reach the bar this time, but I also would swing all the way around it. Scraped knees then became mementos.

To competing on teams and analyzing my performance, I have said goodbye.

Now, I am a grown woman by all agreed upon standards. My brain is beyond fully developed at the mature age of 26. I have a grown up job with towering responsibilities and expectations. I pay my bills, buy my groceries, and play the part of adulthood the best I can. Transition is the new risk. Jumping into a new job, jumping into a new home group, jumping into ministry opportunities, jumping into change. What if I fall and scrape my knees? If the risk was worth it on the dragon jungle gym, then how much more it is now, when the potential for the bar I might reach is so much greater and full of life-impacting implications. I have said goodbye to one season of life to jump into a whole new one. It's time to say hello.

So where am I going with all of this? We spend our whole lives saying goodbye, and I have noticed that the older we get, the more we anticipate the goodbye. As if we see it far off in the distance and run to greet it, instead of waiting patiently for it to come to us. The fear I have in every goodbye is what I will lose in the process, rather than remembering that in every step I take in faith, God has promised that the gain will exceed the loss. This truth has stood the test of time.

My hope is that goodbye will not be trite for us, that it will not be something we treat casually or something we run to as a way of pushing reset when we're feeling overwhelmed by the circumstances of life. One song's lyrics put it this way: "Sometimes it's over before it begins, no one takes a risk and everyone wins". The truth is - when we anticipate our goodbyes, no one wins. My prayer is that more people will say hello and seek to commit themselves fully where they have been placed. Then, when goodbyes do happen, they can be approached with intention and soberness. The only way we can take a goodbye seriously is by making sure that we say hello and mean it. We must pour our hearts into our hellos, knowing that it will make our goodbyes all the harder. Again, the risk is worth it. And we are promised that someday, hello will be our only word. No more goodbyes.

Eternity will be a haven of never-ending hellos. And the time to start is now. 

Reaching out my hand to you - what will your word be?

Hello,

Ashellen

Climbing Mount Everest - A Sex Trafficking Response

"If to be feelingly alive to the sufferings of my fellow-creatures is to be a fanatic, I am one of the most incurable fanatics ever permitted to be at large." -William Wilberforce

I watched the Nefarious: Merchant of Souls Documentary tonight with a group of Traffick911 volunteers and wept. I know so much about the horrors of what these women and girls (as young as 3) experience all over the world, and yet for some reason, tonight - seeing their faces, hearing their stories, and viewing reenactments of the brutality and dehumanization they undergo in order to be sold as products to the highest bidder - it was almost more than I could bear. My heart cries with them.

This morning I taught a fun, upbeat dance to a group of young disadvantaged girls in Dallas through a ministry called Dream Angels - it was a blessing and joy to be a part of. Watching this documentary tonight, I could not help but think about these girls. There's the cute little black girl Karmen with her afro side ponytail and Steve Urkel glasses, whose bubbling energy could likely revive a city in the event of a blackout. Oh, and the sassy latina Ashley, whose eyes say "I'm too cool for school", as she looks twice at you to find out if you really see her. With my eyes, I said "yes" and watched her exterior melt. Bright smiling Denise with gray leggings and a high ponytail - we bonded over her name, which I had at one point been determined to name one of my daughters. My point is I know these girls have stories. And I cringe to think that they could easily stand next to the girls in this documentary, several of whom are shown playing in their own neighborhoods. Lord, bring the darkness to light and set the captives free. 


All this to say - I see Mount Everest hovering before me. And all I can take is a small step of obedience up the mountain. The step that precedes all other steps. I pray that the Lord will lift me up to the top, but know in my heart, that more likely He will do what He has done before - take my hand and walk alongside me each step of the way. God is telling me that He has chosen to take someone like me - so small and seemingly inconsequential - and use me to speak boldly and courageously against this injustice. As small as I may be, I just can't stand it. All the more glory to His name.


The task seems impossible, but here is where I have to stop and tell you - Jesus has made the way. All we have to do is walk in it. He is powerful, true, and worthy. He is teaching me to walk in joy in His name, because even in the darkest places and deepest suffering, He is present, bringing His light and renown to transform them. In the middle of His will is the safest and most delightful place we could ever be. And He has led me step by step into places of deep darkness, handing me votive candles to light up the night - a vigil to show that He is not finished yet. The sun will dawn.


Something the Lord has put on my heart for a long time - and continues to burden me with - is the longing, the hope, the deep desire to see men.wake.up. This is not because I cannot do anything - I can and I will. It is because I know that I cannot do what a man can, as much as I may want to. It breaks my heart to watch men play video games, play the rat race, and play with women's bodies, and even more, their hearts. It makes me think of Edmund Burke's quote: "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing". I pray with all my heart (and have been granted such beautiful grace to watch this begin happening) that men of God will live the gospel as boldly and passionately as they cheer for their favorite sports' teams. That they will harness all their God-given energy for fighting and vying for honor to fight for the least of these and vie for the honor of God, a far greater honor.


I am praying that the gospel will go forth in power - in word and deed. I am praying that the bride of Christ will represent Him well. I am praying that I will be changed too and can already feel it. He won't let me go. I am and will forever be an incurable fanatic. I love Jesus. And His love has compelled me to be "feelingly alive to the sufferings of my fellow-creatures". Praying with all my heart for rescue and healing for these girls, for these women. Praying for salvation for the pimps and johns, who are running a system that scars their souls. Praying that the politicians and cops would be convicted of their complicity in organized crime, and instead would do their part to change the laws and enforce them to protect the most vulnerable. Praying that the demand would cease, that men and women would enjoy their sexuality as God intended - in monogamous marriages. Praying that the name of Jesus would be high and lifted up as the tide is turned toward the abolition of slavery (for the good of all) and men and women all over the world would know Him even as they are fully known by Him. 


Praying for shalom. 

Gleaning Treasure in the Dark and Secret Places

Last week, I had the most beautiful words prayed over me by my friend Mary. I haven't been able to forget them - Lord, give her the ability to glean treasure in the dark and secret places. These words struck a chord in me. The fact that I'm alive today is a gift. The relationships I have - a gift. The suffering, the aching, the hope deferred - a gift. Yes, you heard me right. Those, too. I have realized that they are like a riddle that may never be solved but that promises to have a rhyme. I've determined that since life is but a breath, I will inhale as deeply as possible - that not one ounce of air will be wasted on me. 


Several dear friends have challenged me as I walk through this uncertain time to praise the Lord. Not because I understand my circumstances or choose them, but because He is worthy and good. As I have done this, my eyes have opened to more and more treasure in the dark and secret places. Today, in the midst of an upset stomach, intermittent feelings of shame, and a parking citation - I had loving text messages and phone calls from dear friends. I had a whole hour to process clients with my wonderfully supportive supervisor. I had a job interview at an inpatient psychiatric hospital that actually looks promising (and too big for me - in a good, humbling way). I had a meeting with good friends who live to love and serve the Lord, challenging me. I had a "So You Think You Can Dance?" chill time with girlfriends, who truly care for me - no strings attached. You see what I mean? Treasure.


One of my favorite pieces of treasure as of late has been my experience as a counselor. I don't know how I get the honor to look into people's souls, hear their cries, hold their hands, pray over their shame, their fear, their grief, their confusion, and watch lights come on in their eyes as they stumble into truth and life. Sometimes I don't get to see this happen - and yet, I know not a word of truth spoken in love is ever wasted. But the times I do get to see it - and these have been multiplying - are the sweetest gifts to my soul. They make every.bit.of.the.ache. worth it. I am able to comfort because I have been comforted. I am being comforted, even in this moment. Why would I trade the moments that I get to feel the Lord's heart for a person in front of me, to see with His eyes, and to know that our present sufferings are not worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed in us? No longer mere words to me. I have begged the Lord for wisdom and understanding - His answer, along with yes, has been "Go where I have walked, see what I have seen, take up your cross and follow me." I have seen too much goodness to turn back now. 


When the lights go out and darkness falls all around you, it takes some time for your eyes to adjust. But once they do, you can see what really glows. It may not be what you think. For He uses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise and the weak things of the world to shame the strong. Look much more closely at what the world calls weak and foolish and you just might discover gold. 


I have. And I'd like to share it with you.


Give thanks in all.circumstances.

Never Going to Be the Same Again

It does not take much to get me excited. There are many things that capture my fancy-good music, deep relationships, dancing, listening, laughing, and learning, to name a few. I tend to see the possibility that the future holds and believe that out of this vision, I speak to the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. I see God making all things new and seek to meet Him there. Not to dismiss suffering, of which I am so sensitive - it is simply such a sweet grace of God to give someone like me, who feels everything so deeply (a blessing and a curse), a vision so hopeful and beautiful, and even more so, to let me participate in His work of bringing the vision to life.

With all that said, I have been reflecting on my life and praying with an uncharacteristic soberness. I have experienced a dynamic shift within my soul and honestly believe that I am never going to be the same again. Something has happened recently that has jolted me out of a slumber and caused me to look at this past year with a new perspective. I have witnessed a miracle unlike anything I've ever seen before. One of my dearest friends Suzanne has swept out of my life as quickly and fully as she swept in. A month and a half ago, she was not called to the nations. I even remember arguing with her about the importance of international missions, as she charged that we are all sent (which is true) but not the point. Her point was that she did not see why there was a great deal of honor and attention given to those sent to the nations, even though this is clearly the movement of God's heart among us. And then a series of events fell into place - conversations with her closest friends, a "Don't Waste Your Life" sermon by John Piper, a joy in sharing the gospel, a love for diversity, a loosening of her hands on her possessions and worldly desires, and intimacy with the Spirit of the Lord. And before I knew it, she desired to sell everything she had to go to one of the darkest places on earth in India and share the gospel, to live and walk alongside the poor and destitute. And if that weren't jolting enough, just a couple of weeks after deciding this, she went. And I can attest to every confirmation from the Lord along the way - freeing her from her job (from which she had no reason to be let go), enabling her to get into the Iris mission school after the deadline had passed, and obtaining a 10 year visa to India in one day (when they were only giving visas out for life and death emergencies). These are just a few of the confirmations. 

Honestly, the above would affect me deeply apart from knowing Suzanne, but it affects me tremendously and so much more because I have walked closely with this woman - cried heavy tears, laughed with abandon, held hands, prayed with fervor, talked with gusto, and lived through many quiet, still moments. She is a kindred spirit - one whom I walked closely with for not quite a year and felt as if I knew her for a lifetime. I have known her faults, fears, and desires. I have battled with her and for her. And boy has she battled with and for me. She is a real person. And yet, I've never met anyone like her in all my life. She has had it all - everything the world would call valuable - money, status, and success. She was stripped of it all at one time in her life, and now, she has let it all go.  I have seen a humble (though fiery) woman with Jesus in her eyes. I have seen the Spirit of God take hold of her heart to the point that she really got it - she saw the gospel in all its beauty and fullness, saw the shortness of life, and saw so many souls that needed to hear. I'm writing this and crying. I really wish you could've known Suzanne like I know her. You would never be the same either. I love her so much because I see Jesus in her. Suzanne knows the worth of Jesus, and her life is the loudest sermon I've ever heard proclaiming his worth. It has been the sweetest grief to let her go - grief because I miss her so much as a special part of my life (one that I will cherish forever) and sweet because I believe in what she's doing and the God she's running with. I believe that He loves the people in India too much to keep her here, as much as I would selfishly want to do so.

The reason I'm recounting all this with such prayerful soberness is because I can't see all of this and look at my life in the ways I have been anymore. I'm still processing how this has changed me and the implications it holds for my future. I'm praying, walking forward, and trusting that God will show me. I lay my gifts, my life, my hopes and dreams at His feet, believing that He will make them worth so much more than I ever could clinging to them so tightly.

I have been given the blessed honor of walking with a modern day Amy Carmichael and feel the Lord's love for me in knitting me together with so beautiful a soul. I am beyond grateful and humbled and surrendered to Him. May He get half the glory in this little life that He has already received in hers. 

Praying for you, dear friend of my heart. Blessings all over your precious life.

Just Breathe

My favorite line from my favorite movie.

Danielle from the movie Ever After has just ascended the stairs dressed in her angelic garb for the costume party, ready to find Prince Henry, the one whom has captured her heart and whom she thought she would never see again. About to enter the soiree of costumed guests, she stops and says to herself: "Just breathe." So light and yet full of meaning. What happens next is a series of circumstances rising to a climax, in which the prince, discovering her true identity as a mere peasant (revealed by her cruel stepmother), dismisses her from his sight and looks at her (the one whom the day before he was spouting sonnets to) as if at a stranger. Humiliated and heartbroken, she flees the party through a torrential downpour of rain, one wing intact and the other torn. She falls headfirst, dripping wet, in front of the door of her house. The heavy downpour of rain matches her tears, as she cries for all that has been stripped from her--her wing and her prince--and with these, any hope for true freedom from the slavery under which she has been living in her stepmother's home.

There is something so tragically beautiful about the rain and her tears. I cry every time I see this scene.

I tell myself to "Just breathe" often. In fact, I am telling it to myself now, little knowing what may come next. On the one hand, I may be on the brink of breakthrough and blessing, as the Lord at times grants us these seasons in his grace. Or I may be on the brink of a climax (who doesn't love a good story in life) with the rain to match my tears. I can tell that the Lord is bringing me to a place of freedom because I feel open to either.

No eye has seen,

No ear has heard,

And no mind has conceived

What God has prepared for those who love him.

1 Corinthians 2:9

I believe this with my whole heart. How can I have made it this far, clinging to the Lord's hand with everything in me, and not believe it? I cashed in all my chips too long ago to remember. If He doesn't show up, I'm screwed.

I have many hopes and dreams. And they have been the food of my mind and heart for so long. Just as he did with Isaac, God has brought them to the chopping block (repeatedly, mind you) and asked me if I love Him enough to place them on the altar and trust Him no matter what. With tears in my eyes, I have said "yes" a hundred times and will say "yes" a hundred times more. Originally, I said "yes" because I hoped it meant He would spare my hopes and dreams, that if I proved my allegiance, He would provide a ram to sacrifice in their place. Now, I say "yes" because as wonderful as my hopes and dreams are, they don't own me anymore. This is freedom. I am full of praise in this moment because I know He loves me enough to not only set me free of my desire for the wrong things but also to set me free from my inordinate desire for the right things.

I have a job interview tomorrow. I don't really know what to expect, and that's ok. I don't even remember applying for this job, which makes me all the more curious about it. I'm praying that God will provide for my needs, give me a full time or almost full time counseling position (at least 30 hours a week), and enable me to obtain ample training and experience through the job opportunity.

I like happily-ever-afters. And I love the movie Ever After, because it does not just present a caricatured princess that goes from poverty to riches in one slide. Ever After shows a woman, who after experiencing loss, hardship, and rejection, comes out on the other side as strong as gold, though not as hard as steel--her strength is just as impressive as her gentleness and kindness. This is why I consider it my favorite movie. Her character development is one that I long for and pray for.

I want to be as wise as the serpent and as gentle and pure as the dove. I pray that I am aware of the pain and suffering in the world, even entering into it as the Lord calls me to. But I pray that it never hardens me. By the Lord's grace, may He be strong and gentle in me. May the gift of mercy continue to flow from my every pore. I will hug and comfort the brokenhearted and speak words of life into them. May the gift of prophecy also continue to grow in me, as He gives me appropriate words of truth to share with individuals and with the body.

I don't know anything about what is coming next, but I do think I am onto something with my inclination to "Just breathe".

*deep breath*

More to come.

A Cup Full of Sweet Water

I would not trade anything for this journey that I get to venture on with Jesus.

I have no clue what He's doing with me right now, but I embrace the uncertainty. For contained within it is the opportunity for faith to grow. When it all comes down to it, sin remains where faith has not taken root. When I believe that the Father truly loves me and His heart for me is good, all my fear, hurt, anger, guilt, and confusion melt away. I will never forget an analogy shared by missionary Amy Carmichael--it's actually one that I used today in one of my counseling sessions!

Will a cup full of sweet water when jarred ever spill out bitter water? Of course not! That's preposterous. Whatever is in the cup will be what spills out.

This concept is in diametric opposition to society's thinking, which will conclude all of my problems are my parents' fault or the fault of the difficult people in my life or due to the stress of my circumstances. But Jesus, in the face of imperfect parents, difficult people, and the cross spilled out only sweet water. Never bitter. What a constant challenge and conviction to me!

Where does the bitter water come from? Proverbs 23:7--As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. It comes from what is in my heart.

I am so grateful for the grace of God to reveal the bitter water of my heart. It is His tender kindness calling me to repentance and freedom. His heart for me is so very good. He's taking the tangled knot of my heart and untangling the mess strand by strand.

I am in a difficult season right now. Not only am I going through Steps and Lent, taking a flashlight to all the sin and suffering of my life and dwelling on the sufferings of Christ, but also I am struggling to piece it all together financially. I am not getting as many clients as I was at the beginning of the year, mainly because I have finished with several of them without receiving more in their place. Also, I am not tutoring as much as I was in January. The Lord has reassured me that He has given me this time to focus extra attention on my inventory in Steps, but there is the quiet fear that whispers to me that I am being tricked, that His heart for me is not really good. I know in my head this is ridiculous. But fear, as many of you know, is not something that can be reasoned with. It must be faced and disproven. 1 John 4:18--There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear. I want to experience more of His perfect love, so fear may be silenced in my life. Sweet water only, please.

I am praying with increasing fervency and faith that God provides me with a full time job by the beginning of June. There is a certain opportunity that strangely enough appeals to me--it's a counseling position at a substance abuse treatment center. I have a friend who works there and has recommended it to me. We'll see if it comes to fruition. While I honestly would not have pictured myself working with substance abuse and addiction, God has changed my heart and attitude toward the struggle of addiction. I get it--we are all addicts, really. Our addictions may differ, but they are all disabling in their own way. Moreover, through my journey in Steps, I have come to appreciate the twelve steps and believe that God could use them as an open door to share His truth with clients.

It doesn't make any sense, but I have gone from fearful and unsure to confident and trusting in a span of 24 hours. When all I can say is "Help me, Jesus", He is faithful to do just that. His Spirit is so near right now. I look forward to the next step and all He desires to teach me...I know He won't let me fall.

In open fields of wild flowers

She greets the air and flies away

She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses

In no simple language

Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens

As close as a heartbeat or song on her lips

Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him

Someday He'll call her and she will come running and fall in His arms

The tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with you."

I can remember being a young girl of 7 or 8 years old, hearing this song and crying. The love of Jesus was real to me even then. How sweet He has been to me all of these years.

Bring on the unknown. What I have signed up for is epic adventure, so I'm not settling for anything less. That's the only option with Jesus. Take that, fear.

Redemptive Tears

God is stripping me bare, bringing me to the end of myself in this season of Lent. I am journeying through Steps, taking inventory of my sin and suffering, seeing with greater clarity the trajectory of my ingrained patterns. Freedom begins here. I cherish the redemptive tears that are pouring out of me during this season.

God has been revealing to me the difference between selfish tears and redemptive tears. I have cried many tears in my life (deep feeler that I am). Selfish tears have come as a result of natural consequences to my sin (worldly sorrow) or because my desires have not been fulfilled the way I wanted. But these tears are different. They are tears of a broken and contrite heart. They are tears that see the brokenness of the world and long for healing. They are redemptive tears. On the other side of these tears, there will be laughter and joy. I am already experiencing some of it. And there is more to come. Praise Jesus for these tears.

I attended a day-long workshop today on addressing Family Violence in the Faith community. I was thankful that so many sectors came together--counselors, clergy, law enforcement, and legal staff to collaborate with the purpose of bringing family violence to an end. While I was glad that faith was being addressed alongside the intervention of government-supported agencies, I was disheartened by the fact that the real answer to end violence was hardly addressed at all. No amount of education or collaboration will truly end violence. It may change the form of it. But it will not end it. Since violence is a product of the evil in men's hearts, only the transformative power of Jesus will end it. Not that our education and collaboration do not have purpose--praise God for the work of government that restrains evil and establishes justice. Still, I know deep in my heart that it is not enough. The rabbis and imams may adhere to a strict moral code and lay out the law of God before the men and women of their synagogues and mosques. Without the light of Jesus dawning in their hearts, though, all people are powerless to change. Violence may morph into subtler forms of manipulation--but do not be fooled. Where the root remains, other mutually destructive fruit will emerge.

The gospel is ever on my tongue--I have shared the good news of Jesus many times this week! All because I feel my own desperation and need for Him. Praise His name that He uses us powerfully in our weaknesses. I find my love and compassion for others growing with each surrender. I want so much more of Jesus. Tonight praying with my sisters, I told Him He could have it all and meant it. I will do whatever he wants. I'll move to Africa and mother orphans, like Katie Davis. I will trudge forward in dance and counseling here. I will be content in little and lack. I will be joy-filled in pouring out. I don't care. Give me Jesus.

My prayer is that His name is exalted among the nations. I want him to come back and rescue his bride. I am so grateful to be a part of his flawed, beautiful bride. However I fit into His name being exalted, so be it. I'm looking for him to bring beauty out of these ashes and can't wait to see how he's going to do it. Is it any wonder I am enamored with redemptive tears? Cue the music. Let us dance.

The Day I Became a Woman

This is going to sound strange, but I have been struck with an understanding--today is the day I have become a woman. I don't know the moment it happened. Still, something has changed about the way I see the world. Dreams and goals that used to seem so far away are near and immediate. I will be a mother. God has pierced my heart with the desire to adopt children, and it will happen. While I desire a husband to enter into this journey with me, I will trust God either way. He has called me to be a spiritual and physical mother to children, my own and others.

Through his work in me, He will set captives free. Through dance and truth imparted in counseling, bonds will be broken. Lives will be healed.

No more saying, "Someday". Someday is today. I will boast in my weaknesses and jump aboard this train.

Let this day go down in the books as the day I became a woman. No turning back.

Stroll Down Memory Lane - Resurrecting Old Blog Posts

I was digging around in old blog posts and found what I'm about to share. First off, let me just say that God is doing so much in my life right now I can hardly contain it. I will write it down and share it later. I. am. in. awe.

Until then, I have some very antiquated (circa. 4-7 years ago) blog posts to share. They are the love stories of Alan and Ellen, Adam and Eve.

April 23, 2005 Sophomore in college, young and restless

The name Alan means "noble, handsome."

The name Ellen means "mercy, light."

In the story of my mind, Alan and Ellen's worlds collide, sending sparks of light all around, confounding the wisdom of the world with the delicacy of nobility and the undeserved impartation of mercy.

The question remains--Is the enamorment mutual between Alan and Ellen, or must nobility and mercy forever walk along separate lines, still impactful, yet not as earth-shattering as if the two virtues were combined and detonated by the passion of God lighting them?

The saga continues...

March 10, 2008 Senior in college, sorting through much confusion

“The Stuff of Miracles”

I am all too familiar with Eve’s story. It’s mine, too. You see…God formed me from Adam’s rib and brought me to him as a companion. Then Adam looked at me and said, “I’m waiting on Eve.” I laughed to myself, because I knew that he didn’t recognize me as his wife. I could tell him all day the truth of my identity and purpose, but until he understood it himself, his disbelief would override my surety. What I have left out is that God put Adam to sleep for a long time…so long that Adam had begun to adjust to the solitude in my absence. He dreamed about me so much that he had dissolved the hope of my reality and consigned himself to hang onto the dream instead. Sometimes it’s easier to hope for something forever than to actually accept it when it’s there. What if we mess it up? It can be perfect in our minds in a way that it never can be in reality. So God brought me to Adam, and Adam put me on hold for the dream Eve. This broke my little Eve heart, because the man I was created to love was in love with the false substitute of me. Ironic and unbelievable…but true. Yet I stayed by his side and loved him in subtle, secret ways that wouldn’t jar him from his dream world. I didn’t want to invade and overtake him from the illusion. No, I longed to woo him out. I knew that if he truly saw me, he would prefer me to the dream. Now, I need to confess…when I said God brought me to Adam, I didn’t tell the whole truth. Actually, Adam doesn’t even know that I’m here right now. You see…he’s still asleep. And I’m not quite finished yet. God was reminding me of this the whole time I was wishing for his notice, but I couldn’t help myself. Why can’t he open up his eyes and behold me? God said that he would not recognize me in part but in completion. God apparently has given Adam this keen ability to name things appropriately. He named giraffes, lions, elephants, and bears as what they were created to be. But until he sees me as the finished product of his mate, he will have to withhold the name I am destined for…Eve. I am so close to the identity I can almost taste it. But it is in waiting and longing that God fashions me beautifully in His care. I fall in love with Adam while watching him sleep and fall in love with God in our special time alone. And the rest…as you know, is historically the stuff of miracles.

I have so many old blog posts, but since I was in a whimsical, romantic mood, I chose these. The dreams God gives us are beautiful, even if we never experience them ourselves. At relatively immature and difficult times in my life, God gave me these dreams. And to this day, I see forms of them happening all around me. In romantic love. Brotherly love. Sisterly love. Parent/child love. Friend love.

God is writing poetry into our lives, each syllable having a purpose in its rhyme and rhythm. I can't wait to read the next line.

The Meaning of Sex

I have a feeling that this is going to be my most popular blog post of all time. And rightly so. I think many people need to read this--sex is very misunderstood.

First of all, I just want to share the truth that I am a single virgin woman, who loves Jesus and thinks sex is awesome. I can't say this from personal experience--I just believe and know it to be true. God has wired men and women so perfectly to come together.

So why am I saying this to you? Listen closely.

I believe something is seriously broken in our Western culture, specifically when it comes to sex. God created sex, fully intending for two to become one. It's a mystery, like the union of Christ and the church. In sex, a man and woman give themselves to one another in vulnerability and honesty. The act is purposed to bring pleasure, more so because it's given as well as received (just as love is) and mimic God's act of creation by producing a child. This is what God created sex to be--an act of love, unity, and creation. So beautiful!

So what has gone wrong?

Sadly, men and women are no longer coming together. Sexuality has been taken out of fine china and put into a trash can. The sexual drive that was intended as a gift has become a curse, because we are misusing it. We are running to other things to satisfy us sexually--for some it's pornography, fantasy, masturbation; for some it's seeking comfort in materialism and food, anything to distract them from their sexuality; for others it's playing with pleasure in empty relationships outside of marriage; still others practice prudishness, denial, and asceticism (which is not the same thing as having the gift of celibacy, mind you.) Let us not be like the Gnostics, who consider the body evil and the spirit good, because God has made the body good, and He is pleased with sex. However, let us neither be like the Antinomians, who would take advantage of grace and practice licentiousness, because self-control is a fruit of the Spirit and prevents God's gift from being mishandled and broken.

What needs to change? Instead of allowing our differences to alienate us from one another and turning to other avenues to satisfy us sexually, we have to do a reversal. We have to enter in. We have to reach out to one another in relationships (leading to marriage) and take the chance that we might be hurt if it does not work out. Only by faith in God and the allegiance to a greater love in Jesus is this possible. Everything within us SCREAMS for self-protection, for caution, for fear. And while there is a place for wisdom, discernment, patience, care, and self-control in interactions with the opposite sex, may we never confuse them with self-protection, which is the enemy of love. We only need protecting if what we are at risk of losing is supremely valuable to us. What we fear losing reveals the idols in our heart that must be crushed in order for us to experience freedom. Only freedom will allow us to come together and give of ourselves in love and humility. And out of that love proceeds even more love through having children. And out of all of these things, joy!

Here's my humble prayer and vision. Dallas has an unreal amount of single people, who want to be married. My prayer is that God would humble us all to lay down our idols, our temptations, our fears and take risks. I pray that more people would get married and have children, so that God's people would multiply, fill the earth, and share the good news. While I know that marriage and sex are never going to function as fully as God intended them because we inhabit a fallen world, I am praying that God would redeem them for His glory, that His people would walk a different way and cause the world to take notice.

So that leaves us with one more question. How am I personally planning to respond to what I have just shared with you?

Press into Jesus more. Ask Him to fill me and satisfy me and not awaken love until it so desires. Allow the ache, the loneliness, the longing, and the hope to be married to give me a stake in the suffering and brokenness in the world and move me to reach out in love to all around me--my brothers and sisters, the least of these, my neighbor, and my enemy. I plan on still praying for my husband--that God would give Him courage, boldness, and passion for Jesus, that God would put me on His heart, and that He would pursue me. Also, I plan to stay out in the open and not cloister myself away--even if I never marry, I know that it will not be because I shied away from being a Ruth or an Esther. I will accept the risk. No matter what happens, I pray that God turns the tide of what I see in this culture. And even if I never marry, I trust Him and put my hope in Him. He is worth it all and more. What a small sacrifice for an infinitely generous King.

I hope that God heals your heart in this area, as He is healing mine. I'm feeling more and more freedom to love, take risks, and allow a man to know me without playing games of self-protection and pride. I pray it for all my brothers and sisters who have a heart to be married. May God be glorified in this.

Feel free to share your thoughts with me. I would love to hear them.

For Freedom

One journey and then another

Lives cross and intermingle

Hardly knowing the destination

The path that must be taken

And what must be given up

For freedom

Constrained by time, space, and context

Given purpose and a voice

But what do we do with them?

Labor against the chains

And speak out boldly

For freedom

Yet the labor itself is constraining

And our best of intentions, failing

We tie ourselves in knots

In attempts to make a bow

And all the while we're pining

For freedom

It. rarely. meets. us. elegantly.

But with arched bow and outstretched arms

The battle is waged for our souls

We give up our lives, lay down our charms

To grasp the fullness of life

From the One who gave it all for us

Freedom from what we were.

Freedom for all we will be.

Free. as. birds.

You and me. Free.

The cry of my heart, the longing of my soul

As I hold your hand, remember--

This journey

To bind ourselves to Love

To be truly free.